i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
