If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
