She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
