I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
