i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
