I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
