I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
