just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
