My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
