Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im holly from the hills drunk
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We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
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So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision