carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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