I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
