I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
