i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we're making bets on your personal life
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
