I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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