You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
