I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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