i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
