the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
