and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize