last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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