making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
