my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
