Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
