Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
