My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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