literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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