This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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