I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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