Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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