I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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