I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
