My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
