I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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