I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
