So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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