I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
