you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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