I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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