Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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