I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
