Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
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There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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