omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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