i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
