it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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