He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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