Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
