My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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