i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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