I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
