Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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