the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
