well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
