you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize