Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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