my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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